her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
This hospital has everything
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.