Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…