Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit