I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[montage of me giving-up]
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked