The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
You Might Also Like
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Good advice.
why isn’t he texting back
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
S M O L
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second