Looking at you, Jesus.
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.