Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
i was baptized in a car wash
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.