Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it