Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Finally, an explanation.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”