what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
You Might Also Like
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Hey i am sexy to you now
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY