Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.