If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.