Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Traveler’s camo
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh