Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Something Saturday.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.