Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
same energy
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.