After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter