I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.