A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool