*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I ate everything, including the H.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.