1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
some things should go without saying
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.