I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
2022: I can fix it
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’ve had worse
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car