my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
You Might Also Like
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.