It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.