My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
monday
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*