Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It鈥檚 basically shitty Christmas.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I鈥檝e watched this 17,467 times
Dietest Coke
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 馃檪
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: you鈥檙e gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn鈥檛-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don鈥檛 give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you鈥檙e making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.