Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.