This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
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[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
181.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait