I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Who chose this font
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Breaking news:
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.