only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.