Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My background check bounced.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I don’t know what to do
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner