The big book of baby names but for safe words
You Might Also Like
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
The asteroid..
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything