Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder