“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The glockness monster
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
No regrets in 2018
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk