It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*offers Batman cough drops*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.