Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Well, this certainly took a turn
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.