My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
jesus, what did this guy do
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
These aliens are taking forever.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
how was your vacation
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING