There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*weighs self after shaving
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.