I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.