Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If you are reading this then you are reading this
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Canada has crack?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.