How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them