Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Wait a minute…
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.