friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’m crying im so happy for them
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team