Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.