bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I didn’t realize that was an option
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick