still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house