You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride