Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*