alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Thursday
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond