Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….