Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
i think both sides are to blame here
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes